Sorrow and Joy

I have not blogged in over 5 years! (Not that I was very regular before, but wow, over 5 years!) As I briefly prepared this entry to post I came across the place in my blog where I had first shared this quote below. I think it seems quite fitting to share it with this entry as I guess I am learning to carry my sorrows in ways that make me wise….

 

"One of my favorite southern novelists claims that you know you're an adult when you start to realize that some sorrows in life will never go away. You learn to carry them with you in ways that enrich rather than debilitate your life, in ways that make you wise." --Paula Rinehart

 

I have been mulling some thoughts over, and I have a suspicion. I suppose all of us has a handful of people, if we've lived on this planet for more than a minute or two, for whom we found ourselves to be either "too much” or “not enough" for them (or maybe both!).

I've decided that this isn't necessarily good or bad; it just is.

And so, for whatever reasons (and in many cases, some situations just end up looking like miscommunication) we have to move separate directions. These pains are very difficult for me, because while I can move on and release the situation most of the time, the sorrow still remains. The pain still is there, buried, but there. I don't have any great words of wisdom for what to do with that pain. While it is buried, so that I don't go around all my days crying like a blubbering mess, if I let myself think about it  for very long (which I guess I made the mistake of this morning!), the pain is as fresh as when it first arrived-- bubbling just below the surface. This morning, in my reflection, I asked God to simply help me. I've forgiven these that have hurt me deeply in my heart and released them, though I feel the relationships are not mendable.... Again, I don't have any words of wisdom, but I hope that the pain really does lessen in time. Time sure does feel slow sometimes, at least in deep matters of the heart.

 Just thought I'd risk sharing, in case someone else is struggling with unwanted memories at Christmas-time. While it truly is a wonderful time of the year to have great times with friends and family who welcome and accept you into their lives, it's quite possibly the most difficult time of the year when you are an adult, as sorrow seems to be close to us in our most grateful and joyful moments as well.

Joy and Sorrow--Quite the opposites, and yet so much alike at the same time.

Each all consuming; each hard to understand, in some ways.

Best wishes, readers! I sincerely wish joyful moments for you all this Christmas. May all twelve days of Christmas and Epiphany be times of celebrations and joy! (And for those of you just celebrating one day, I hope that you can make that one a great one! J )

For myself, I can say with certainty that peace rules in my heart and my life. Truly, I have full peace in my every single day! I just also recognize that I carry my sorrows (we all do, I think, whether we recognize them or not), and so I am choosing to lay down my sorrows today with my Prince of Peace. Jesus, I am so thankful for you, not just at Christmas, but every day. You have been the reason I’ve made it through this life so far.

Several years ago I had a dream that I was on an elevator with my grandmother Faye. My grandma Faye was a great source of comfort, instruction, love, help, and a spiritual mentor in my young life (she died when I was 18). My daughter carries her middle name (Irene). Anyway, in my dream grandma told me, "Pain is a teacher. Let it teach." I don't know what pain you might be feeling today, but I hope that your pain will be instructive in your own life, as I seek to try to let it be instructive in mine. If we let it teach, I theorize that nothing is wasted-- good experiences and bad, they can all be used to make us more and more into the people we are supposed to be.

Well, here are my random thoughts for this two-days before Christmas morning. Merry Christmas to one and all and Happy New Year!

Awakening from Slumber and Leap Year 2012! (Very random!)

Friday afternoon, March 2, 2012

I guess I thought what was below was too random, so I didn't actually "publish" on 2/29, but here it as along with some more random thoughts from today!  I am definite not going for blogger of the year here, but just trying to get back into writing and not terribly concerned what anyone else thinks about the randomness right now!  (Wow, did that just come out of my "people pleasing" mouth?!) 

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Awakening from Slumber:

As a side note, I think the past two days have been the most liberating, enjoyable days of my entire life so far.  Nothing "amazing" or "incredible" "happened" but this whole work God promises to finish in me (the work that he started in me), I think I'm getting my eyes opened a little wider to what that might all mean.  I feel like I'm alive for the first time, maybe ever.  Where we go from here, no idea, but I sure am excited about taking this adventure Christ is calling me on one day at a time!!

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Things swirling around in my head in random order:

* It is for freedom that Christ has set ME free (Gal. 5:1).  I am to stand firm and not let myself be burdened again by ANY yoke of slavery.  Lots of other good stuff in this chapter, but going on down a little farther this catches me as well, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." (v. 6)

v. 7 "You were running a good race.  Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?
v. 13  "You, my brothers, were called to be free.  But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.  v. 14  The entire law is summed up in a single command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' v. 15  If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other."

* Modern Day Slavery and Sex- Traffikking-- it's horrific and incredible and I have no idea yet just how badly I have been unknowingly 'helping' this industry in the way I spend my money, but I intend to find out.

* There is a lot more to understand about the thoughts found in Micah 6:8: Seek Justice, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly with your God.  I think I'm only scratching the surface but I'm so excited about what the Lord is going to teach me.  No matter how much it might initially "hurt" to realize how far I have lived from the way I should have been living, I'm excited to truly LIVE for Christ in a way that matters.
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Leap Year 2012 
2/29/12:

I have been away from blogging for some time (it seems my posts always start like this-- maybe I should start writing more often?).  Thankfully no one is watching closely or monitoring my "progress" as this is mostly a journal for myself to remember where I've been and to be able to look back and see where God has brought me from, but for those who do lurk from time to time, welcome!

Random thought number 1:
I have a cousin whose daughter turns 1 today (though she has been on this earth 4 years)... hee, hee.  I just find Leap Day to be a really cool yet strange day.  It's like we've been given a "bonus" a freebie if you will.  What will you do with your day today that you might not do any other day?  How will you make this day count?  Aren't these questions I, as a follower of Christ, should be asking every day of my life?

Random thought number 2:
The book "7" by Jen Hatmaker is "ruining" my life.  Not really, it's a good kind of "ruin" but it sure is the catalyst for a lot of change in my heart and life.

Random thought number 3: 
How do people blog every day?  I think I want to write more and then I sit down to actually write something and I feel so overwhelmed by the idea! Hmm... thoughts to ruiminate on some more.....

Well, until next time dear readers.  Keep your eyes fixed on Christ!

Angela

Priorities...

So I've been thinking a lot about this lately... Here are my ideas (as I discussed them today with my mentor and good friend! :) on what a godly woman should strive to be:

First and foremost seeking to follow and love God fully and completely.  To be a daughter of the King, truly and to let our lives be from the overflow of this vibrant, growing relationship.

Second and in this order, striving with lots of prayer and God's help to be the best wife possible.  To love, pray, serve, sacrifice for and encourage and uplift him in such a way that he is compelled to be a more godly, Christ-honoring man.

Third (and NOT before #1 and #2) to seek to lead and teach her children to love the Lord and follow him so they will grow up to be kind, respectful, and God-fearing adults.

ANYTHING after that is icing.  Seriously, there is enough "cake" in striving to do those things WELL to last a lifetime.

I guess I'm just so tired of all sorts of people thinking they need to be other people's "Holy Spirit" and tell them what they should be doing because there is an "opportunity to serve".  We need to be serving our Lord and the top priorities God has given to us first and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide us into any other opportunities to serve that HE might choose for us to live.  But NOT at the expense of these top three priorities!!!!  We have to keep in step with the Spirit to know how he is leading us (ref. Galatians 5), but seriously, if we did those first three things well, we could rest knowing HE would say, "Well done!" 

Delayed from 2/14... Gratitude list continues! :)

I could not get into blogger on Monday no matter what I tried and then illness hit my house most of this week, so my list is a bit delayed but here nonetheless! :)


185.  Toddler-girl sitting by my side as I read, "reading" her own books :)



186.  music from small keyboard- a two-year old musician creating!


187.  not getting stuck in the snow! We didn't make it to our destination, but at least we didn't get stuck and were able to return back home.


188.  learning to do pushups correctly--even if getting it takes time, trial, error and humbleness...


189.  downsizing of all sorts-- thankful I am learning to "let go" of things that are not worth the space to store, pack and move them!!


190.  my Valentine- thankful for the chance we have to continue to grow and learn to love one another.


191.  caring for my daughter and trying to learn as I go to honestly show my love for Jesus in action in front of her.


192.  melting snow and signs of warmth and new life coming soon

193.  toddler-girl going right to sleep at naptime


194.  reading good books (such as http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-Story-Patricia-Pingry/dp/0824955129, and http://www.amazon.com/One-Thousand-Gifts-Fully-Right/dp/0310321913, and http://www.amazon.com/Charlotte-Mason-Companion-Personal-Reflections/dp/1889209023)

195.  tea time!- pretend tea tastes so good!!


196.  chance to watch a complex movie with my husband. It had been a long time since we had watched something challenging together like that


197.  time spent getting to know new friends-- sharing the story of how we met our husbands-- so thankful God wrote my love story with my sweet Valentine!!

A River Runs Through It

A River Runs Through It:  We watched this movie tonight.  First time for my husband to see it.  I don't even know how many times I've seen it, but it has not been often in recent years.

My dad loved this movie for some reason.  It's very introspective in ways and not much on rapid paced action... I don't really know why he liked it so much.  He wasn't really a fly fisherman... and while he loved movies of all sorts, I'm not sure why this movie was one of his favorites. 

Daddy made me rewind again and again to write down the last part of it.  Part of it is still in my memory...

Some of it is something like this:  Now nearly all those I loved and did not understand when I was young are gone now, even Jessie...  But when I am alone in the half light of the canyon all exsistence seems to fade to a being (?) in my soul and ...memories... and the hope that a fish will rise....  

Then there is a part that talks beautifully about the river and the rocks and the words below the rocks... etc. 

It ends with a simple "I am haunted by waters."

So, I can't remember a lot of it perfectly, but it really is beautiful poetry/prose.  Truly haunting in ways.   

I think it is based off a book written by Norman Maclean.  I should investigate this sometime.  Might be enlightening.

Well, my pillow is calling to me for now. 

This is the most random blog post I have written so far, but I know there are some thoughts stirring in me and I should at least begin to tap into them... This "journal" is mostly just for me anyway! :)

My daughter, husband and I danced a little waltz together at the end and while I was still sad and meloncoly thinking about my dad, it was a nice dance.  I felt Eucharisteo (sp) in even that.  The sadness and the joy all mixed together and I felt thankful and grateful and alive. 

It's good to feel alive.  Thank you, Lord, for moments to remember and to truly live.

Continuing with my Thousand Gifts

    I started writing the blessings I see each day, the gifts the Lord allows me to see, down in my journal this time and so this first list after a hiatus might be longer than most. I'm excited to get back to seeing the joy in each day/moment. Thank you, Lord for all the gifts you have given and continue to bestow. Those I see and those I miss. Please help the eyes of my heart to see more and to experience more of you!


136. sunshine on snow


137. birds at the feeder-- making marks in the nearby snow, fluttering about excitedly


138. electric staying on through the storm! Praise the Lord!!!


139. a little girl easily entertained by a bag of "new to her" shoes :) Who knew a two year old could find joy so easily? :)


140. a warm home-- respite


141. imperfectly made new curtains from fabric remnants 18" square

 142. the chance to make those curtains and learn in the process


143. reading and laughing over Three Little Pigs with my girl


144. New books deliverd by the postman at the door??!! through the snow


145. small steps in gaining more self-control as part of the fruit of the Spirit (less angry outbursts, less times of emotional eating) praise to you, Lord!


146. clothes to fold and put away (means my family is well provided for)


147. carpet to sweep means carpet to bring warmth to our home


148. butterscotch oatmeal goodies


149. a polite "more pwease," Who can resist giving her one more cookie bite :)


150. that my two year old girls is still willing to take her afternoon nap! Praise the Lord!!


151. quietness during naptime


152. joy in the quiet


153. hope


154. remembering that hope does not disappoint...


155. gentle morning kisses from my love on his way to the day


156. estranged uncle-neighbor coming to rescue and teach in a gentle way-- seeing him walk down the snowy road to our drive brough such sadness and joy at the same time. Sad for the loss, many years ago now, of the relationship; joy in the provision for this day in helping us get a car out of the snow/mud! We could not have gotten the car out without his help. So thankful God brought him and he was able to come.


157. eggs sizzling in the skillet- sound and smell wafting in


158. oatmeal falling out of canister to bowl in preperation


159. white snow lying with hope that all things will be new someday


160. furnance kicking on to keep the house warm; glad we have not run out of propane


161. hope flickering ever so softly that all might be as it should be some day.


162. bare tree branches and light reflecting through curved glass


163. the hum of the refrigerator


164. the quiet snores of a small one sleeping


165. the feel of the recently vacuumed carpet on my check


166. the breathing in and out and knowing I am learning and I can grow to be the woman the Lord plans for me to be- this slowing thing is new for me; I am grateful and hopeful; and humbled


167. friends to share a meal and converstaion with; especially grateful for several reasons... Friendship has been hard to find in recent years and this week has been especially long when stuck indoor due to snow!! :D


168. a good samaritan to rescue us from the snowy ditch


169. a comfty bed in which to rest after a long, tiring day


170. toddler-baby wearing striped pajamas and pink tennis shoes pulling musical xylophone down the hallway :) Such a glorious sight! :)


171. squeak of old chair as small one climbs up to see and be near her daddy


172. hours spent slowing and savoring the beautiful chaos of family life


173. quiet bubbling of fish tank in early morning


174. gentle new dusting of snow lying on cedar limbs making the world white and beautiful once more


175. toddler-baby asking to come "up" on my lap


176. seeing her lovingly care for her doll babies


177. toddler-girl singing into oatmeal canister; happy joyful sounds! :)


178. corny jokes from my husband


179. cold back porch floor tile on bare feet


180. snuggling under the covers in the last hazy darkness of nighttime before the day begins


181. sewing maching to help create


182. the chance to change the needle-- yet again-- in the process of the project. learning patience and persistance. enjoying the journey, learning not to race to the destination...


183. joy in taking something "tossed aside" and making something new and useful...


184. Thankfulness that God did just that with my life-- took what was tossed aside and is making me new!!

Finding Joy in each Day

Well, I'm coming back to blogging. I really don't know why, but I feel compelled to try to write thoughts to "paper". I have added my real name to the blog... guess I'm moving past fear a little bit! :-) I have also added a photo! Getting more bold in this, ha!

I don't promise to have fully thought out posts, persay... I am a very busy wife and mama... and I am also trying to move past my perfectionistic tendencies. This is a huge step for me, to be willing to just write as thoughts come and not try to make it all look "perfect"...

Anyway, this blog might not be the most "correct" format you will come across on the web, but I do promise to try to write real things with which I am wrestling.... things to share where I've been and what the Lord is teaching me... and some of the struggles I am having along the way. I hope anyone who stops by will be encouraged by the "realness" they will hopefully encounter here.

Blessings to you this day!

With a sincere heart,

Angela